“It’s such a shame for everything we used to know,
and all the time we spent
talk about the future…
The seeds of every dream we used to share
has been trampled down by a reckless heart.”—Needle and Thread by The Reign of Kindo
I want to try to win you back, but this isn’t the appropriate situation for that. There’s nothing I can do about this, so I don’t know how to handle my emotions. I feel so powerless. I want to fight for what I want, but it would come at your expense.
I’m sorry I’m so obsessed over what you’re doing. I’m still scared of what’s going on with him and what’s going on in your head that I don’t know about. I know you’ve said you haven’t done anything yet and you’re focusing on yourself and you don’t have any expectations of anything happening with him, but you understand why the ideas still haunt me, right?
I’m sorry if I do something stupid to compromise your progress towards feeling independent. I’m getting sick of feeling hopeless and unable to sway things in my favor, and I’m starting to get ideas that I shouldn’t have.
I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to get over you. I hope it’s understandable, though, and expected.
but I at least I feel like I did all I could for us; I took advantage of any time I could be with you, I got in many many cuddles, kisses, and hand-holding, I always tried to acknowledge our problems and fix them, I always offered any help I could give to you, I didn’t waste any time being upset with you over small things because I know how short life can be and how important it is to enjoy things while they last.
I’m finding comfort in us having come apart over issues that weren’t within our power to fix. I’m thinking this is really the best possible way our breakup to go. There’s nobody at fault, because I know you’ve been dealing with these emotions for a long time and you’ve been trying to handle them. I suppose it’s just nothing we can control.
Just understand that I’ll take a while to adjust to this new friendship of our’s :/
“Well yeah, and I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that somethin’ could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid…”—Butters - South Park - Ep714 “Raisins”
1) Be generous. Volunteer for social work, practice random acts of kindness, and be generous. The act of giving always makes the heart more content with self. Peace and selfishness do not coexist very well.
2) Love Yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself. No one is perfect. Love yourself and love life in all its forms. Be open to accept things in a positive manner.
3) Ignore negative comments. Remain cool and calm as a person. Ignore the negativity (negative comments, happenings, people) around you. Be understanding: many times hard feelings exist due to not understanding the person’s view point. When you start putting yourself in the person’s place you begin to understand why he says what he says and you start breaking the wall of ego.
4) Be friendly. Be friendly and helpful toward everyone you meet. Being friendly does not mean you have to bring home everyone you meet, but you can always put up a good, warm behavior in front of others. When you give positive vibes, you will attract positive vibes.
5) Never argue. Do not enter into an argument for silly things. Nothing is worth fighting over and you cannot change other people. Remember these two rules before picking up a fight. It’s not worth it after all.
6) Stay busy. Keep yourself busy with something constructive. But do keep some time for relaxation too.
7) Think positive. Always. Take lessons from the events in your life. Do not get disappointed by anything. If you think positive, things will turn positive for you sooner or later.
8) Be yourself. Never compare yourself with others. Everyone is unique in this world. Cherish the fact and feel nice about yourself. You have everything including a nice heart.
9) Forgive and forget. Don’t let hatred breed and settle inside you. If you forgive you will be able to forget. Forgiving may not be easy but it brings you tremendous peace. Forgive for your sake, if not theirs.
10) Be honest. Be honest with yourself and what you want, and what you expect from yourself and others. It is not easy at first. If you know what you really want, then you could achieve your goals easier.
11) Stay calm. Being calm keeps a person from making hasty decisions. Once something is said or done, it cannot be taken back. It takes practice, so hang in there.
12) Making assumptions can be painful. You are only in your head. You never know what someone else is thinking or what they meant by their comment. Ask questions if you want to be sure.
13) Remember not to take things personally. Rarely anything anyone does is about you. It is based on their own dreams and desires. You never know how someone else’s life is going.
14) Give service to others. True happiness can only be found when you stop worrying about yourself and try to look out for those around you. Helping family members, co-workers, and friends can give your life meaning and joy. Selfishness, on the other hand, will only provide temporary pleasure. Obviously there are some aspects of life where you must focus on yourself, like your body’s need for food and sleep, but only focusing on your own needs will never result in true happiness.
15) Smile. Smiling is infectious. If you make yourself smile for a minute, you are using all kinds of facial muscles, and you can’t help but feel good.
16) Do, not try. If you can accomplish even the smallest goal, it will pave the way for bigger and better things. With goals accomplished, it sends a message to yourself, that you are a winner, and can do what ever you set your mind to.
18) Never, ever, give up! You are unique and special in all the world. If life knocks you down get back up. Failing is not in getting knocked down, it is in staying down.
I went into my brother’s room to watch you drive away from his window. Then, when you were out of sight, I went back to my room, closed the door, climbed into bed, and buried myself in my pillows and blankets. I knew my crying was going to be heavier and more audible than ever before. You have no idea how much I wish you had come back and climbed into bed with me. But I’ll never feel that same comfort again, that comfort you give me when we’re laying together.
And then I started thinking about all our history together; how we used to be acquaintances for a few years, then we talked nearly daily for a good part of Senior year. You even had me visiting you at Caffino pretty often. Eventually, I had the courage to ask you to Senior Ball, but was denied by Lauren. We were both really bummed. Our friendship slowly faded after that, until about a year later I found out you and Lauren had broken up a few months earlier. It timed up so nicely, I asked you to Ball again and we were hooked on each other after that. That was one of the best nights of my life. It wouldn’t have been so special (or even happened) without you. You were my shooting star.
After a few weeks of hanging out more and being all butterfly-stomach-y, you ended up taking the initiative to make us official when you came to my house on June 12th, 2009, with a box of Mountain Dew you covered with foam stickers and a photo you edited to show you punching me in the face. That was our joke for asking the other one out, and you beat me to it.
After that, we were inseparable. I remember going with you to all of your family occasions; your grandmas’ funerals, picking up house-stuff from Fresno, moving things out of your dad’s cabin, going to car shows, your brother’s birthdays, your birthdays, your family dinners, moving from your dad’s house to your mom’s house to your dad’s house, taking Tweek to the vet 2 hours away, your mom’s garage sale, your brother’s graduation, your trip to the ER with your cut finger … Everything I could be there for.
We also did a lot of stuff on our own; trips to Santa Cruz, staying in hotels, going on drives, going to the beach, going to concerts, going to movies, helping me with my movies, teaching you guitar and drums (for a second), playing DDR where we could find it, spotting limos, going to the zoo, shopping, picking out houses we wanted to be our’s, naming our future-children, coloring, being lazy, gaming in my room side-by-side, going on nighttime adventures, people-watching, watching movies in bed, … Everything.
These past three-plus years have been amazing, the best of my life so far. I grew up so much with you, learned from you, learned with you. We were so happy (don’t tell me we’re incompatible). Sure there were problems, but I’d gladly take those if it meant I’d be with you. I just really hoped I could’ve fixed you… I still hope I can. I want you to get better any way possible. As much as I really really want us to be a pair again, I want you to be happy with your life.
Monday June 18th - Received the footage Tuesday - Had class all day, started a backup on my computer Wednesday - Backup troubleshooting Thursday - Had class all day, backup troubleshooting Friday - Backup completed, let my computer rest for the night, went to a concert Saturday - Worked for 8 hours, replaced hard drive in my computer, started Replica software to recover the state of my old drive onto the new one Sunday - Worked for 6 hours, Replica troubleshooting Monday - Replica completed, started editing footage Tuesday - Had class all day, took the night off Wednesday - Started rendering all RED 4k footage down to 1080p Thursday - Had class all day, rendering continued Friday - Worked for 5 hours, rendering continued Saturday - Rendering completed, worked for 7 hours, let my computer rest for the night Sunday - Worked for 5 hours, went to dinner, went to a concert Today - Planned to get most editing done, but discovered that rendered footage is no longer rendered Tomorrow - Have class all day, can’t do much editing Wednesday - Intended deadline
I didn’t want to say goodbye to you. Throughout the night, each time you asked “What if we don’t get back together?” I became.. I can’t describe it. I shut down.
I really don’t want to influence your decision on staying with me, but I so desperately want you to decide to stay with me on your own. But I’ve been thinking.. if I weren’t influencing you right now, we’d likely be split up. That’s what happened that first day; you intended a permanent breakup but I cried so much that you changed your mind to temporary. I suppose I’m still influencing you, then. It seems like you don’t want to be with me anymore, but you’re afraid to hurt me. I want you to make whatever decision is best for yourself, but I’m also so selfish that I want to influence you to stay with me. I’m really torn over this. I don’t want to be so selfish, but I want to be with you so badly.